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Subject: Saturday Night Live FAQ: Deep Thoughts
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Saturday Night Live FAQ: Deep Thoughts
=======================================
This collection of "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey" was posted to alt.tv.snl
by Pat Ryan <ryan@odouls.stx.com>. I also want to thank Chris Gobeil
<ar148@freenet.carleton.ca>, Tom Hemr <tomhemr@engin.umich.edu>, Michael
Wheeler <michaelw@aaa.uoregon.edu>, and Richard Wludyga <wludygr@alleg.EDU>
for sending me Deep Thoughts collections.


  * DEEP THOUGHTS *  
  by Jack Handey
 
If they ever come up with a swashbuckling School, I think one of the courses
should be Laughing, Then Jumping Off Something.
 
When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick your
elbow out the window, or it'll turn into a fossil.
 
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
 
At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be
"Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth X-rays. But then
I thought, if a patient said, "How's my back tooth?" and you just looked at it
with your X-ray vision and said, "Oh it's okay," then the patient would
probably say, "Aren't you going to take an X-ray, stupid?" and you'd say, "Aw
**** you, get outta here," and then he probably wouldn't even pay his bill.
 
One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my
little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out
warehouse. "Oh, no," I said. "Disneyland burned down." 
  He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty
good joke.
  I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty
late.
 
A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call
the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. "Hear that?" you say.
"That's dynamite, baby."
 
Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I'd ask for
a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you'd probably
be able to get a lot of free games.
 
I'd like to be buried Indian-style, where they put you up on a high rack,
above the ground. That way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even feel
it.
 
If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my
holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said
something like "Hey, look. He's carrying a soldering iron!" and started
laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, "That's
right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice." Then
everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the
soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.
 
I bet when the neanderthal kids would make a snowman, someone would always end
up saying, "Don't forget the thick, heavy brows." Then they would all get
embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and
they'd get mad and eat the snowman.
 
Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion.
  For instance, let's say you're an astronaut on the moon and you fear that
your partner has been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the
moon pieces, wham!, you just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might
call you on the radio and say he's not Dracula, but you just say, "Think
again, bat man."
 
Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin
real fast and freak everybody out.
 
The people in the village were real poor, so none of the children had any
toys. But this one little boy had gotten anold enema bag and filled it with
rocks, and he would go around and whap the other children across the face with
it. Man, I think my heart almost broke.
  Later the boy came up and offered to give me the toy. This was too much! I
reached out my hand, but then he ran away. I chased him down and took the
enema bag. He cried a little, but that's the way of these people.
 
I wish I had a Kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND
Superman away.
 
I don't think I'm alone when I say I'd like to see more and more planets fall
under the ruthless domination of our solar system.
 
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why
several of us died of tuberculosis.
 
Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself:
"Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind".
What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.
 
I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't
just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.
 
I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and
we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin Bob."
 
I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they
don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when
somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!"
 
The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
 
Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite and
bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant
teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition.
 
I'd rather be rich than stupid.
 
If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came
up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea
to say, "I swallowed it. So sue me."
 
If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming
and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess I'm a
coward.
 
I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is
the story of Popeye.
 
When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they
ever press charges.
 
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and
the dancers hit each other.
 
What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a
solid gold baby? Maybe we'll never know.
 
We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them
personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.
 
Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking
surface attached to the end of a long stick.
 
I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free.
To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's
throwing up, is not what I call hospitality.

To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered
where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus,
and a clown killed my dad.
 
As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very
pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN
HEAD!!
 
Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted
brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look
like a deer.
 
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down?
We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
 
Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out
when you're coming home his face might burn up.
 
You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who make people
happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.
 
Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself
down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person
comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A
jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that
says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.
 
If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right
back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.
 
If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep the
students from just trying to yodel right off. You see, we build to that.
 
If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll
look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.
 
I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I bet
you can really see it in those genitals.
 
Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck,
and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is
that thing?
 
He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved
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